Communication is arguably the most important part of maintaining close relationships with others. Whether it be in a romantic, friendly, or familial context. What many people don’t realize though… Is that there are actually four main communication styles in relationships. And being able to recognize which one is being used at any given moment, as well as how to adopt a different one, is key!
What are the main communication styles?
Most people agree that there are four primary communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive. In many cases, people don’t exclusively use just one of these. Instead, we typically alternate between them depending on a large variety of factors. But it’s helpful to learn how each one presents, as well as how effective/non-effective it is…
Passive –
Passive communication is when you avoid speaking your mind, usually due to a fear of conflict. This could take many different forms, ranging from not wanting to make decisions that could impact others to laughing off things that hurt you. But the bottom line is that you’re bottling up your feelings instead of sharing them.
Examples of how this could manifest in dialogue are…
- “Whatever you want!” (When asked to make a choice.)
- “I really don’t mind.” (When you actually do.)
- “Oh I don’t have an opinion on that.” (When you do have one but don’t want to share it.)
This communication style is seen as a bad thing in most scenarios due to a few different reasons. First of all, passiveness in communication can keep you from resolving conflict, getting what you want, and even being honest. This can have a negative impact on others in the long run, as well as your relationship with them. But additionally, you may start to experience resentment towards the people in your life the longer you go feeling misunderstood.
Now, it is important to note that although passive communication may not be the most effective in relationships, and important discussions… There is a time and a place for it. Such as when you feel you might be in danger! Since passive communication can be a way to diffuse situations that could otherwise escalate quickly.
Aggressive –
Aggressive communication is characterized by things like talking loudly, interrupting others, and becoming defensive when questioned. You may also be very accusatory and hostile towards others, using a lot of “you” statements instead of “I” statements. For example, you may say things like…
- “You always make me feel like I mean nothing!” (Instead of more calm and less charged responses like “I feel like I mean nothing to you.”)
- “Just get over it.” (In response to someone being upset about a situation or something you did.)
- “We’re doing this, end of discussion.” (If you’re disagreeing with someone over a course of action.)
If you’re someone who aggressively communicates often, you’ll probably find that others are uncomfortable or hesitant when talking to you. And obviously, this is detrimental to your relationships with others.
But once again, there are times and places where aggressive communication can be beneficial. Like when you need to stand up for yourself, or get your needs met right away.
Passive-Aggressive –
As I’m sure you’ve noticed by the name, passive-aggression is a combination of the two previous communication styles in relationships. On the surface, this type of communication comes off as passive. But in reality, you find indirect ways to display your feelings (especially anger).
Because passive-aggressive people usually mimic passive communication… I’m going to skip the dialogue examples and share some common methods they use to display their feelings non-verbally.
- Sarcasm is one of the most popular choices, as it can be easily disguised as humor.
- The silent treatment is another common tactic.
- And in many cases, passive aggressive people will even sabotage those that they’re upset with. Oftentimes through rumors, so that their words will indirectly get back to the other person.
This communication style is usually seen as immature and petty. And unlike the previous styles, there are almost zero situations where it’s useful. Overall, this style will erode your relationships over time, create resentment in both parties, and make you come across as a very ingenuine person.
Assertive –
While there are certain uses for passive and aggressive communication… Assertive communication is widely considered to be the most effective of the styles, especially as it pertains to relationships.
Assertive communication involves stating your feelings and opinions clearly, as well as confidently. It also means respecting the viewpoints of others, while staying true to your own experience. There are lots of “I” statements in assertive communication, versus the “you” statements that aggressive communicators use.
Example dialogue includes…
- “I felt disrespected just now.” (Instead of the more accusatory “You disrespected me just now.”)
- “I’d prefer to do this. What about you?” (Instead of deflecting the decision or not taking other people’s feelings into account.)
- “I’m sorry that I did something that hurt you, it wasn’t my intention.” (Instead of refusing to take accountability or getting defensive.)
How can you improve at communicating?
Now, if you’d like to learn to communicate more effectively then there are lots of great resources online you can check out! But I want to share a few tips in this post, to help you get started.
Prioritize Speaking and Listening –
First of all, as important as it is to speak up about how you’re feeling… It’s also important to listen to others with an open mind. So avoid planning out your next statement or point, if that means you aren’t actively listening to your conversation partner. And try the best you can to see things from their point of view, even if you don’t agree! Balance is key here.
Take Some Space When Needed –
A lot of times, when we default to aggressive or passive-aggressive communication styles in relationships, it’s because we’re feeling defensive! And this can be avoided by taking some space to ourselves if we’re feeling triggered, before resuming the conversation. Alternatively, be willing to give your conversation partner some space as well if necessary.
Focus On “I” Statements –
And finally, as we’ve already discussed… One of the main characteristics of assertive communication is the use of “I” statements. So try to make those statements your default if it isn’t already. Because, not only will it allow you to communicate your feelings more effectively and accurately… But it can also keep your conversation partner from feeling defensive and defaulting to a less ideal communication style themselves.
