Avoidant attachment styles in relationships can be some of the trickiest to deal with. Both for the person with the avoidant attachment, and for their potential partners. So today we’ll be diving into everything you need to know about this attachment style, starting with exactly what it is, how it’s formed, etc… Then moving into some tips and tricks for navigating avoidant attachment.
What is an avoidant attachment style?
For those of you that haven’t heard much about this topic, there are four main attachment styles that we know of right now. They are: secure, anxious, disorganized, and of course… avoidant! And it’s actually estimated that about 20-25% of people are avoidants.
As the name suggests, those with avoidant attachment styles are known for their tendency to avoid emotional intimacy. This means they’re usually quite independent, and put most of their focus on themselves and going after what they want.
However… avoidants can (and often do) have a large circle of friends, as well as a variety of sexual partners. But most of the time these connections are very surface level.
How is it formed?
Attachment styles begin forming in childhood, although they may later be shifted as adults navigate life and relationships. And in the case of the avoidant attachment style, it’s most often formed through emotional neglect during childhood.
This neglect could take many different forms; including parents not comforting the child during times of need, not teaching them to express themselves and their emotions, and generally not being someone their children feel they can come to.
And actually, it’s been found that a lot of avoidant people were raised by unhealed avoidant parents. Which is a pattern that makes sense, seeing as the behaviors of people with avoidant attachment styles can easily produce an environment where children don’t feel seen/heard.
What are the signs?
Some of the classic signs of an avoidant attachment style in relationships are as follows…
- An unwillingness or inability to open up
- Discomfort when other people open up
- A carefree, easy-going persona
- Lots of confidence, sometimes to the point of arrogance but not always
- An emphasis on being independent
- Issues with commitment in romantic relationships
- Emotional withdrawal if things get too “serious” or “deep”!
Note: Most people think that there are multiple types of avoidants; such as dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant. And this is because there can be a lot of variation in exactly how avoidance manifests in people with this attachment style. So be sure to keep that in mind! No two people are exactly the same.
How do you deal with avoidant attachment styles in relationships?
Now that we’ve covered some of the basics, let’s talk about how to deal with an avoidant attachment style. Starting with what to do if you have it yourself…
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Tips For Healing An Avoidant Attachment Style
#1 – Understand Where The Avoidance Comes From
If possible, one of the most powerful ways you can begin to heal your insecure attachment style is by understanding where it originated from. Because identifying the cause can help you figure out your specific triggers, as well as allow you to take your power back.
Maybe it was something your parents did or didn’t do, maybe it was a bad relationship that left you with unhealed wounds… The more specific you can get, the better. Sometimes you can even find the cause on your own, but therapy can be immensely helpful as well.
If you have no idea where to start, you could look into researching attachment styles in general. There are lots of great resources online, ranging from articles like this one, to YouTube videos on the topic, to books like “Attached” which are written by professionals.
#2 – Get In Touch With Your Emotions
In a lot of cases, people with an avoidant attachment style are actually uncomfortable with their own emotions regardless of whether or not they’re sharing them with others. This means even if they did want to open up, they might find it difficult to understand what they’re feeling and how to express it.
In order to remedy this, you’ll need to spend some time exploring your own emotional landscape. Journal, take note of your triggers and which emotions they elicit, keep track of when you feel the most avoidant, etc… There are even workbooks like this one that can help you understand your attachment style on a deeper level, as well as provide reflective prompts/exercises to help start you on your healing journey.
But most importantly, be compassionate with yourself! It takes time to heal an insecure attachment style, the important thing is that you’re trying.
#3 – Deepen Your Connection With Others
Now, as important as all of the inner healing we’ve been discussing is… To truly heal your avoidant attachment style, you’re going to have to make an intentional effort to build meaningful connections with others. You can begin by deepening existing relationships, or you can start putting yourself out there and creating new ones.
But either way, communication about where you’re at is key. If you’re not already familiar with the person, this doesn’t have to mean you tell them your entire life’s story… However, mentioning that you can be avoidant in relationships and that it’s something you’re working on, will help both you and the other person out!
Because ultimately, it will help them understand more of where you’re coming from, it’ll open up conversations where you can share your boundaries and vice versa, and it will set the stage for realistic expectations on both sides.
Tips For Supporting An Avoidant Partner
Before we wrap things up, let’s talk about how to handle avoidant attachment styles in relationships from the partner’s side of things…
#1 – Work On Healing Your Own Attachment Style If It Isn’t Secure
This won’t apply to everyone who’s in a relationship with an avoidant. But for those of you that have an insecure attachment style yourselves, working on it will improve your relationship with them in addition to helping you become more secure!
And if you’ve never put much thought into what your attachment style is, there are lots of resources online that can help you figure it out. The Attachment Project site even has a free quiz you can take.
#2 – Respect Their Boundaries
People with avoidant attachment styles often need quite a bit of space in relationships. They typically don’t like to feel dependent on you, and likewise they generally don’t enjoy you being dependent on them. Additionally, they don’t like feeling controlled or trapped in any way.
This means they may have a lot of boundaries, especially in the beginning of a relationship. And if you want to make things work, you should respect them as much as you can. Find things you enjoy outside of the relationship, keep up with your friends and family, and be sure to have other priorities aside from just your partner.
Disclaimer: Respecting reasonable boundaries doesn’t mean you should put up with behavior that makes you unhappy. Even if your partner is working on their attachment style, you don’t have to stay with someone if it’s to your own detriment. Trust your judgement on whether or not the relationship is good/worth it for you.
#3 – Be Patient And Try Not To Take Things Personally
Along those same lines, try to be patient with your partner as they navigate their healing journey. This can look like a variety of things, such as…
- Being willing to take breaks from tough conversations if they start checking out emotionally
- Remembering to express yourself in ways that are less likely to trigger them (when possible). Like using “I” statements in the place of accusatory ones, or reframing complaints to be requests instead.
- Trying not to be reactive if they take a step back from you, physically or emotionally. And instead reminding yourself that it’s probably their old programming kicking in, and not an issue with you specifically.
- And just being there for them when they are ready to open up!
Final Thoughts
Avoidant attachment styles in relationships are perfectly manageable if you’re willing to put the work in! And if you took the time to read this post, that means you are willing. So I hope it was able to help in some way, even if it was only a reminder that something like an attachment style doesn’t define you as a person or make you any less worthy of love.
